Projo Offbeat Blog

Lawmakers in Massachusetts are considering a bill that would punish people with up to a year in jail for discriminating against short people and fat people.

Among the bill's supporters are a 420-pound woman who says she wasn't hired because of her weight and a 4-foot, 8-inch tall woman who says she's been patted on the head in the workplace.

I'm all for this legislation, as long as lawmakers protect at least one other group: bald guys.

I wouldn't mind being a little taller and a little thinner, but my real issue is the losing battle I've fought with my hairline. I wonder if it's cost me opportunities. I've slugged it out on the print side of the journalism business for many years. But if I had a thick head of hair, maybe I'd be handsome enough to qualify for a lucrative and glamorous position in television news.

And I'm sure I'm not the only ink-stained wretch who feels this way. There must be balding guys in newspaper newsrooms all across America who curse their genes every time they look at the TV and see a thick-haired anchorman making "witty" small talk with the lovely anchorwoman sitting next to him.

Of course, even if I had a healthy head of hair, my prominent nose might prevent me from sitting on the anchor desk next to Channel 12's Pamela Watts or Channel 10's Kelley McGee. It's not that huge an issue in my life, but I've taken a few verbal shots to the schnoz over the years, and hey, maybe it's held me back, so I think we should protect people with big noses from discrimination.

Still, being a guy, I'd rather have a prominent nose than one of those wimpy, little pug noses, so we should have legislation to protect people with little noses, too.

And since big ears can stick out as much as big noses, people with Dumbo ears need their own law. I bet some people have even been ridiculed because they have tiny ears. Maybe they don't hear the wisecracks, but they are still victims in need of protection.

When it comes to our physical appearance, there's no limit to the sources of our insecurities. Try going through life with imperfect teeth, or feet that are too big.

Some brunettes probably wish they were blond, and some blondes have undoubtedly suffered from the dumb-blonde stereotype. We should pass legislation to protect brunettes who've suffered discrimination because they aren't blondes and blondes who've suffered discrimination because they are.

There might be one or two lucky people out there with no physical flaws, but I suspect they suffer discrimination -- or at least catty comments -- from the jealous masses with big noses, receding hairlines and expanding waistlines.

We should have a law to protect them, too.

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